I Am A DESU
by Restartbutton
Summary: DESU is the abbreviation for Delta Ezra Spirit Umpire. The story follows the adventures of  Cadou, a Spirit Umpire from the parallel dimension of Ezra, as he searches for his true roots, his real identity, and the meaning of being a Spirit Umpire.
1. 1st Clip

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters (except the original ones) in this story. Copyright belongs to those companies/groups/persons that rightfully owns them. This Fan-fic is purely fictional. Nuff said.

* * *

A Not So Weird Introduction

* * *

So? Does anyone of you believe on ghosts, aliens or lolicons who can summon fireball out of nowhere? Kinda silly question to start with but hey! Everything here is about those. From horseshoe in the face to rockets stuck in someone's butt, yes, this is Ezra.

But what is Ezra anyway? Well it's a 'dimensional place situated between a narrow film of space over a sea of time'. Kinda confusing eh? Well in common sense this place is still Earth but on a different dimension. In 1337 talk, it's I\I37. Okay, nuff with the confusing stuff.

Ezra is a kingdom on some random dimension connected somehow to Earth. The kingdom is kinda medieval themed and has lots (when I say lots I really mean LOTS) of URC crawling around. URC is a more formal word for monsters, literally the abbreviation of Unidentified Random Creature. Bah! Just who the hell invented that abbreviation? The political system is Monarchy. Population is unrecorded (but according to rumors, the numbers are multiplying like rabbits, thanks to the Pheromone cherry) Currency is Vage. Head of the state King. Head of the government Lord. Capital city is Delta. Who need those infos anyway?

Wondering who's talking? Well people call me Cadou, short for Control Alt Delete then transcripted to an eastern language of Earth. 6'0, pale skin, leg-length swirling brown hair, left eye is green, right eye is red. Yes I existed with heterochromia (an eye disorder that results on having unusual eye color and sometimes, color combination. Most heterochromic people are color blind. Hafta say I'm lucky to evade that 'curse'). I like to wear green Earth uniform (Earthlings call it High school uniform) and I have a whole closet of it (That's the reason why people said I don't change clothes at all. Some will even go as far as I'm not taking a bath... bah!).

People often compare me to a weird doll from Earth that occasionally seen here. She looks exactly like me. From the hair to the eyes, skin and even the color of the clothes (good thing we doesn't have the same height). Heck! we are even both related to 'Desu'. The difference is that she speaks it alot (ending her every sentence with desu) while I am a DESU. DESU is short for Delta Ezra Spirit Umpire. I know what's a spirit and I know what does an umpire do but I have no idea what is a Spirit Umpire. Even the other Spirit Umpire doesn't know the answer. I only know one Spirit Umpire other than me, she is an AESU (Alpha Ezra Spirit Umpire, Alpha is a mountain city northeast of Delta). Dammit! Wanna meet that beauty again!

I don't remember who gave me that name but I remember that she heard it from someone on earth when their com... what was it again? Bah! When their com-whatever suddenly stopped functioning (People on earth have lots of those weird machines). Well it's a weird name but there's more weirder than that.

I don't have a father nor a mother, I wasn't even born the normal way. People said I just appear out of cosmic clouds that engulf Ezra three years ago. They found a strange cloud in the middle of Delta near the fountain. The cloud swirl faster and faster until I came out of it. What a weird way to be born. So if I was born in that way, what exactly am I?

I have to know what I am and so I went to the place full of information, That is Earth. Last month, I visited that place. Upon staying there, I wasn't lucky to find the answer but I learned some hint about my existence. A female bookworm with an unusual vocabulary told me that I wasn't a human nor a Data Thought Entity... whatever that means. Another unusually cute girl with a sexy body told me that I don't belong to this time frame. A carefree looking male told me that I was a some sort of a sub-god created by someone named Haru... what was that name again? Created by haru-whoever three years ago (but I didn't really believe his statement, but might as well remember it for future reference).

Even though I'm just three years old, my appearance is that of a teenager. Right now I'm on a mission to find someone called 'Legendary Girl A' and deliver this weird looking package to her. I have heard that she could be found at an earlier time frame in a village called 'Hinamizawa'. Well I wish I could find her there. I really need to finish my mission as soon as possible.

Oh I almost forgot, I'm a male.


	2. 2nd Clip

* * *

The Hints

* * *

"Traveling back in time is not impossible but that feat should be done only by people who needs to go back for a purpose" That's what that girl told me back then in my stay on Earth a month ago. If I needed to go back in time, would she help me? I guess she won't refuse because I have a purpose to go back. The purpose? to deliver a weird package to someone named 'Legendary Girl A'.

What did happened to me for me to think that the one I'm looking for is in the time frame earlier than ours? Well... last week, when I was searching for clues, I bumped into this small girl in Saitama, Japan who claims she's already eighteen. She's wearing those 'High school uniforms', her light blue, leg-length hair swayed wildly as she walks. A prominent mole can be seen under one of her eyes. Her face is unbelievably relaxing but provoking at the same time. Man! I'm telling you! If you ever saw her, you're gonna mistaken her for a grade schooler. Of course I didn't believe her but I need to tag along because I feel that she knows something about what I'm looking for. Going straight towards her home, we talked about loads of stuffs. From some those kidnapping incidents which targets small girls recently, to the tomboyish twin of her classmate whom she calls 'Kagamin'. Man! She's really into weird stuffs... maybe her weirdness is somehow connected to the package. I wish that was the case.

Arriving in front of their house, I was startled when she invited me inside to play 'ero-games'. Normally, Earthlings won't invite a stranger inside their property. "Why would you want a stranger to set foot into your home?" I asked her. "Hmmm... Strangers aren't as interesting as you, so technically you aren't a stranger" she replied with a smile. What a carefree girl! AESU once told me that it is discourteous to refuse an invitation especially if it's from a girl, but this is different. I refused because I don't want to trouble her parents. Even at Ezra, parents will panic if their daughter brought a man to their house. Before we part, I asked her: "Do you know anything about someone who goes by the name 'Legendary Girl A'?". She stared at me seriously for a moment and replied: "You are into anime as well eh?" Anime? What's that? "Legendary Girl A huh? I think I remember something about that one" She continued. I almost jumped in excitement upon hearing that. "I think you're talking about someone from... what was that again? It has cicadas on it's title if I remember. Oh well I only remember that it happened on the 58th year of Showa, at the town of Hinamizawa". After hearing that I quickly said thanks and run back to Ezra. I can hear her shouting 'wait' but I ignore her. Oh right! I forgot to introduce myself or ask for her name. Maybe that's the reason why she's calling me. I shouldn't have ignore her, such a waste!

I return back to earth shortly to research for the hints that weird girl gave me. During my Worm Hole journey, I was thinking about the hints she gave me and suddenly, the dimensional walls of the Worm Hole begun to collapse. By the way, a worm hole is a dimensional tunnel that can be created by thought which links two dimensional plane. It can be only done at a place where a huge amount of dimensional distortion occur. The best example of this is the void that separates Ezra from Earth. The destination of the worm hole is determined by the thoughts of it's creator. Since my thoughts aren't solid as I travel through my worm hole, it's walls collapse and brought me to a place which wasn't my planned destination. I was thrown through a bush and landed on my butt with a 'thud'. That really hurt. After rubbing my butt, I stood up and scanned the area. I was on a beautiful maze garden surrounded by buildings with grandiose designs. Everything that I saw was expensive in an Earthling's perspective. Then I noticed a boy in a blue uniform seating beside me. His wide blue eyes was staring back at me with much curiosity. The letters 'O' and 'R' can be seen in the emblem of his uniform. This must be a school.

"Hi..." I uttered slowly. He didn't respond at all. "I'm Cadou, what's your name?". After that he came back to his senses. He introduced himself as Haruhi. Wait, I think I heard that name before. We talk about a bunch of things. He talked liked a girl, I mean he doesn't sound like a gay but his choice of words are similar to a girl. Heck! He even looked like a girl. Anyway, I asked him about the hints the short girl gave me. Unfortunately he doesn't know a thing about Hinamizawa but lucky he know what a Showa is. It was the Japanese measurement of a year. 58th Showa is equivalent to 1983. With that information, I decided to travel back in time and fulfill my mission. I waved goodbye to him and jump back to the bush. As I hide there and create a worm hole back to Ezra. I saw blonde haired man in the same uniform as Haruhi, approached him and called him 'daughter'. As I entered the worm hole, I thought to myself: "Maybe he was a girl after all".

Right now I'm standing beside a huge ball-shaped machine. The busty girl with light-brown straight hair whom I called Miku because her name is kinda hard for me to remember told me that this was the machine she used to get back here from the distant future. She's gonna lending me the 'Time Machine' so I can go back to 1983. I entered the machine and turned it on. Determining the destination time frame was the same as with worm holes. I think only about my planned destination as the machine begun to float in air. Suddenly, Miku slammed the door opened and shouted: "Cadou! Something's not right!". I was shocked as I heard her but it was to late. Time begun to reverse back, no! The machine was just flying without direction. After such a bumpy ride, the machine lunged back towards the earth and slammed something as it came to a halt. Luckily, I just sustained some minor injury, no broken limbs or whatsoever. As I crawled out of the machine, I saw a sign board with the words 'Fuyuki City' on it. I was certain at that moment that I didn't travel back in time. If only time traveling was as easy as dimension traveling, this wouldn't happen at all. I turned my head only to see a boy in casual clothes. His orange hair trails the wind lifelessly while his face is covered in shock.


	3. 3rd Clip

* * *

Unintended Destination

* * *

I was lying down on the ground looking up at the stars of the night sky. Well... my travel did fail but the orange haired boy whom he call himself Shirou offered his help. I can tell that he was also interested on the "Machine" that brought me here. This morning, Shirou skipped school to fix the Time Machine. Of course I was with him, "Trust is not to be given off so easily" AESU told me that. Based on my observation, Shirou just gazed on the Machine. He touched it occasionally and uttered "wow" everytime he does that. Hmm... is this really the right thing to do? Well, I can't fix machines anyway, it is beyond my forte.

Before he started, Shirou asked me not to come with him because another person's presence will just distract him. I told Shirou that I can't leave it to him alone because it wasn't originally my property (but the truth is, I don't really trust him). With that said, he agreed to let me in. While he was "examining" (That's what he told me he's doing) I noticed the sudden change of Shirou's Spirit Registry everytime he concentrate his sight on the Time Machine. I see... In front of me is a being capable of manipulating his own Spirit Registry. It is rare to find those on this planet.

By the way, Spirit Registry is the energy that restricts an individual's Spirit into his own body. Every Spirit Registry is unique, just like the human fingerprint, it doesn't have a copy. Eventhough one can manipulate it, it's "print" won't change. Manipulating one's Spirit Registry will have a certain effect to that user's environment. This where "magic" begins it's course. Reading one's Spirit Registry is an ability that only Spirit Umpires can do, that is according to AESU.

This discovery interest me alot. What if the information I gathered were wrong? What if Legendary Girl A exist in this time plane instead? How I wish that it was really the case. Hmm... how about we investigate this place a little more. The atmosphere here is similar to that of Ezra. I think there's something abnormal with this city. A smile appeared on my face.

That afternoon he finished examining the Machine and told me that fixing it requires alot of time because some of the parts doesn't exist on that city. While discussing the details, the gate behind us opened. A girl can be seen standing outside the gate. She had a purple long hair, innocent teenage face. Well, she's beautiful I can say. She's carrying a grocery back. "Good Afternoon Shirou" she greeted and walked in. "Ah Sakura-chan" Shirou approached the girl and help her with the grocery bag. As she looked forward, her purple eyes meet mine. "Ah Shirou, who is he?" she asked Shirou. "Oh, he's Cadou a... er..." Shirou gazed toward me, his eyes are asking for help. I sighed and interrupted "A distant cousin". Shirou seems relieved by my reply. "Is she your wife, Shirou?" I asked out loud. Both of their faces turned red, an indication of embarrassment. "No it's not... er..." they almost shouted in unison. Hmm... I sense something romantic here. "She's Sakura... a friend of mine" Shirou continued. I grinned and replied: "Oh really? Tell me, why would a girl visit her 'boy' friend at sunset with groceries?". "That's... um..." Shirou seems can't make an excuse. The girl looked down while hugging herself in embarrassment. Shirou's in panic as he saw her. I think I went overboard. "Well... that's a real friend for you Shirou, treasure her well" I said calmly, trying to control my laugh. Since that, they don't look directly at each other.

After Shirou finished cooking. We eat dinner silently; Shirou and Sakura can't stay calm at each other's presence at all. After we finished eating, Sakura went home without even saying a word to Shirou. I do really think that I went overboard. "Whoa! That reminds me! Fuji-nee didn't come to visit today!" Shirou told himself. "Eh, Fuji-nee? Haven't you received a letter today from her?" I reminded him about a letter I found in their mailbox that morning. "Oh... yeah, she's gone to Tokyo to represent our school in an Education Convention or something..." he uttered. I sighed and went out. "Aren't you gonna sleep?" he asked. I told him that I wasn't feeling sleepy at all. I closed the door and lay down the grass, that's how I ended where I am right now. This City seems to have loads of interesting humans. Well I can travel back to Miku anytime and bring her to this city so that the Machine can be repaired real soon. Well... I guess I'll take a 'Vacation' in this city for a while.

I sense some Spirit Registry manipulation inside the house's vicinity. Well... maybe Shirou is practicing his abilities. Some minutes later, I heard something breaking. What the hell is Shirou's doing? I love to check it out but I'm too lazy to get up now. Oh well, I think he 'knows' what he is doing. Some moments later, a blinding light illuminates from the back of the house. Damn! Why didn't I notice earlier that there were two Spirit Registry Manipulation? I rushed towards the scene and I sense another Spirit Registry Manipulation. What's happening here!? The light was coming from the storage house behind the house. I entered and sense, rather saw three Spirit Registry Manipulation. Shirou manipulated his Spirit Registry to reinforce the pipe on his hand. He's standing behind a small girl who looks just like the girl I met in Saitama, except that her hair is red and also her eyes. She's pointing her sword against another girl. That girl has Massive Spirit Registry Manipulation ability. She's extending her spirit from her spine towards the girl holding a flaming sword, about 2 meters from the base. Those manipulations have the appearance of a human hand, though transparent. This girl has a what appears to be 'horns' on her pink hair.

"Tell me young Magus, are you my Master?" The small girl who is holding a thin, long sword asked Shirou. Master? What the hell is happening here? Whatever it is, it seems interesting.


	4. 4th Clip

* * *

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

* * *

The pink-haired girl launched an attack against the sword-wielder. The sword-wielder counters her by hurling a fireball from her flaming sword. The pink-haired girl backed away, evading the fireball in process. The blazing girl faced Shirou and asked "Are you my Master? You are the one that summoned me right?". Looks like things are getting complicated for Shirou. I can tell by the puzzled face he's making. The other girl rushed and outside, she seems to flee away. Well that's better, I don't want to use my abilities just yet. 

Shirou fell face flat to the ground, yeah he fainted. "Sheez! Why do I always end up having a weak partner!?" the girl exclaimed. Always? Did she mean that this had already happened before? I think I'm gonna love my vacation here. The girl gazed upon me. Wow, her eyes are red hot. She pointed her sword against me. "Who are you?" she asked me in a not so politely manner. "Your Master's distant relative?" I answered in the same manner she asked me. "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! You liar!" wow, she knew I lied. "I don't feel any connection between you and my Master!" okay, she just guessed it. But hafta say that was a good guess. "There's a rule in the Holy Grail War" Holy Grail What? "Whoever sees the War that isn't part of it must be eliminated" Eh? I'm sure she's talking about me when she said 'isn't a part of it' and 'eliminated'. "I'm sorry, I have to kill you to protect this war from exposure to the public" with those words, she raised her sword and slashed me. Whew! Good thing I evaded that! "I see, you won't surrender without a fight huh" she charged again. "What are you talking about!?" I shouted as I evaded her slashes. "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" she continued her relentless assault on me. "It's impossible to shut up three times!" I exclaimed as I continued to evade her attacks.

"That's it! Fuzetsu!" in an instant, the whole place was engulfed by her Spirit Registry which formed a dimensional loophole. A dimensional loophole is a dimensional disturbance which normally occurs between the boundary of two dimensions. It creates a separate dimensional entity that directly affects both of the root dimensions. Her dimensional loophole is very different. Her's occur inside a dimension and another thing I noticed, only beings who can manipulate their own Spirit Registry can move in this dimensional loophole. If she wants to eliminate me because of the threat of exposure of this war, then this is the most suitable way of doing it. Okay, things have gotten serious now. "Wow! what a nice ability you got there!" I said, pretending to be amused by her. "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" and she shouted her favourite expression again. "I'm really amazed that you are able to move inside a Fuzetsu" Fuzetsu? "What are you exactly?" she asked in a serious voice, might as well answer her seriously eventhough I'm quite sure she won't believe me. "I'm a DESU" I told her the truth. "What?" she shouted. "I am a Delta Ezra Spirit Umpire" I continued. "Shut Up! Shut Up! Shut up! That doesn't exist at all!" and with those words, my prediction was confirmed.

"Time to end this silly game of yours! Taste the blade of my Nietono no Shana!" her sword burned an even more hot flame. Not good! She's focusing all her Spirit Registry towards her sword. If this will continue, everything inside this dimensional loophole will be destroyed. Dammit! The Time Machine is inside this loophole. Argh! I got no choice but to flee. I focused my Spirit Registry on both of my hands and extend it towards the border of the dimensional loophole. With enough manipulation, I 'torn' the dimensional loophole until it vanished. "How?" she uttered as I flee away from Shirou's house. I guess tearing up her 'Fuzetsu' is a major WTFH for her.

I think I'm safe now. This street is dark but that's good for me. She might be looking for me, this is a perfect place to hide since humans tend to look at the most obvious places for hiding. I have to retrieve that machine somehow. I can't just grab that huge machine and run way. Worm hole is not a good option because someone who manipulates dimension will be able to detect any dimensional disturbance near her, and besides, that machine won't fit inside my worm hole. Dammit! If I didn't get that back, I won't be able to deliver this... Argh! I left the package inside the Time Machine! I wish Shirou won't show the machine to that girl. If that happens, I'll fail AESU. That thing must not happen! I got to think of a way to retrieve it. A war? Hmm... Yeah that's it. I gotta lure that horned girl back here.

As I walk through that dark street, a man in red suit and blue necktie approached me. His face made me feel awkward. He looks like a humanoid monkey because of his face. "That was quite a show there my friend" he uttered. "Huh?" is he talking to me? "Escaping from a powerful servant is a feat you should be proud of" okay, I think he's connected to this war. "Master-less Servant" he continued. Master-less Servant? He's not talking about me right? A girl emerged behind the man. She's wearing a red shirt with a religious design and a black skirt. Her black hair is tied just above her ear on both sides of her head. "We need your help Servant" she hastily asked. "Guys, seriously, stop calling me 'Servant'!" I shouted. In that very instant, an orange-haired girl jumped in front of us. She's hold a very, very huge lance which makes me wonder- how can she carry that like it was made of wood? "A Servant!" The man shouted. Okay, I'm surrounded by people who are able to manipulate their Spirit Registry again... What a luck! "That Servant" she pointed her lance towards me. "belongs to my Master!" and she proclaimed... Wait! I'm not a Servant!

I'm starting to hate this city...


	5. 5th Clip

* * *

Tug of War

* * *

"That Servant! Belongs to my Master!" with that said, she launched an attack with her huge lance against the other girl behind me. Clashing sounds of metal can be heard around the vicinity as the man parried her attacks with his gun. "A bit aggressive aren't we?" he lauded. "Get outta my way!" the girl shouted back, accompanied with her relentless attacks. "Well, I hafta say, aggressive girls like you turns me on" those words of his must have put her in rage as she swung the lance wildly, but powerful enough to blow the man into a nearby wall. "Archer!" the other girl shouted, worried about the condition of her male companion. Wow, she is powerful. Now I have doubts about her real gender. 

"Ha! How's that!? Perverted Monkey!" the girl exclaimed, declaring herself victorious. "Now, time to take the 'prize'!" she gazed at me at the end of her sentence. What the hell! I am the prize!? These people are driving me nuts! A couple of gunshots were heard as the man walked out from the smoke of the walls debris. "Woo! Gotta love that overconfident attitude of yours, My Lady" he raised his head towards the girl with a lance and smiled. "So... You won't surrender him without a fight huh? I don't like to hurt you guys but..." she raised her lance up in the sky. "Gakutenou!" the z-shaped blade of her lance shined. A large red, lion-like metal creature appeared before us. "Archer! It's her Noble Phantasm!" the girl cried out in distress.

"Time to escape!" the man exclaimed and grabbed mine and the girl's hand. He dragged us away from the creature, literally. "Give me back that servant!" the girl with a lance shouted. Her creature transformed it's hind parts into a platform and a pair of wheels on it's side. She mounted her creature and chased us. Wow! That thing is fast! "Archer!" the girl in red shouted. "That thing may be fast, but I'm still smarter!" Archer made a quick turn to the next corner without losing his speed. The creature rams the wall like it was only made of light materials. "You won't get away from me!" the girl with a lance shouted. Archer kept repeating the process. I noticed, the creature is losing speed in every turn it made. The walls make it difficult for the creature to regain its speed. Smart move huh? Archer jumped into an open manhole, dragging us into it. The creature passed above us. Hafta say he out-smarted that beast, or rather its rider.

"So... That was Lancer..." the girl sighed as we walked through the dark sewer. "She can also be Rider" Archer uttered. After a moment of silence, they both stared at me. "So... Which Servant are you exactly?" the girl asked me. Eh? Geez, these people are really driving me nuts. "First of all, I'm not connected to this war in any manner. Second, I'm not a friggin' Servant!" I shouted. I'm about to lose my temper at that moment. They both gazed at each other in disbelief. "So... Are you a Mage?" she asked. "I'm a friggin' Spirit Umpire!" I shouted again. "Geez! I'm outta here!" I started walking into the opposite direction. "Wait! You're not going anywhere!" Archer pointed his gun behind my head. I stopped walking. Can't these guys just leave me alone!? "What exactly is a Spirit Umpire?" Archer asked in a cold voice. "I don't what exactly is a Spirit Umpire! What I know is that, I'm on a mission and I hafta travel back in time! I left the friggin' Time Machine in Shirou's House because of that stupid girl! And now I need to retrieve it as soon as possible!" I turned around and answered. Now I lost my temper.

"We can help you retreive your Time Machine" the girl lowered Archer's gun. But under one condition" she continued. "And what is the condition?" I sighed. "Please help us in this war" Hmm... Help them in their war eh? Oh I see, an opportunity is in front of me. I better grab it before it's gone. "A fair deal to me, I'll take it" I answered. A smile crossed the girl's face. "We will be partners from now on. I'm Rin Tohsaka and this is Archer, my Servant" she introduced herself and his 'Servant'. "I am Cadou" I plainly uttered. I'm not really excited with this new partnership anyway. I just wanted to get the Machine back. With that said, I shake hands with both of them, a sign of partnership in this world.

After an hour walk through the sewers, we got back to the surface and entered a Luxurious Mansion. This must be Rin's house. Based on the furniture and other things inside, she is wealthy. "So you are saying that your Machine is capable of Time Travelling?" Archer sat on a couch, still wet from the sewers. "Yes, that's what Miku told me. The thing is, we had a little accident. That's the reason why I ended up in this city" I explained as I sat down on the couch front of Archer. "I'm taking a bath" Rin went straight for the stairs. "Need my help?" Archer uttered loudly. "Ugh! Why did my Servant have to be pervert!?" Rin slammed the door. She's not angry at all, she's just embarrassed. "So" Archer gave back his attention to me. "How much do you think that Machine of yours worth?" eh? "What kind of a stupid question is that?" why would he want to know it's worth? "Never mind that" he gave off a smile. "What exactly is this war all about?" I asked out of curiosity. Archer drew a serious face. An expression I expected. War is always a serious matter.


End file.
